So, today (well, yesterday as of 2 minutes) was my 22nd birthday. It was an AMAZING day, and I am still reveling the beauty of life, friends, family and happiness.
I woke up at 8ish and layed in bed, got some emails sent, etc. I went to the mall and got a pedicure and then went and dropped some stuff off. It was beautiful and sunny outside.
I was looking forward to Bible Study. I went to dinner at Mustard Seed to meet Bryan (I live with him and his wife) and Daniel (Bryan's son). I walk in and see Bryan talking to another friend, I thought oh how nice they ran into eachother. I walk around the corner to the table and... THERE WAS A BUNCH OF FRIENDS! I was so surprised! I honestly had NO IDEA. I had a lovely dinner with the most amazing friends I could ask for. What a blessing. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. THANK YOU to all of you, you all mean more to me than you'll ever know, I mean that! I'm not just being cliche. I can honestly say this has been the BEST BIRTHDAY I HAVE EVER HAD.
I really got to thinking lately, I am just so incredibly blessed. I love my life right now. College is challenging, but I am so thankful I can go to college. I love the work I am doing with The United States of Hope. What an honor. I love the body of Christians I belong to&my salvation. I am content with being single right now (although that doesn't mean I'm not open to that changing, hehe :)). I love my recovery, I love my health, I love my body. I love friendships, relationships, I love my family. I love all the things I can do. I love that I am now among the ranks of the living, not sickness. I love, that's who I am, what I do, what I always want to do is love.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
~Ice Cream~
So anyone that knows me knows that I like ice cream, and right now I just want to reflect on, well, ice cream...
I had this craving for pumpkin cheesecake ice cream from Coldstone. When I crave something, I usually go for it. I figure my body wants it for a reason. Now, I don't use this as an excuse to binge, I do this in a healthy way. I have had to get to know myself and my own recovery in order to do this. Anyway, while at work I decided I would get ice cream on the way home. Then started the anorexic, eating disordered voice saying "No, you don't need the ice cream. You've probably gained too much weight recently and your stomach looks a little fat right now, just forget it." Yes, I still hear this "voice", it still comes around sometimes. I've come to equate the ED voice with Satan's lies (but that's another post)...anyway, I got kind of sad. (Think of a kid being called fat or ugly- that's how I was feeling). So I thought, well I'll just accidentally sort of on purpose forget to go and forget that I wanted the ice cream in the first place. Attention, please! THAT is obeying the eating disorder, falling for its temptation, believing its lies, etc. For me, at this point, believing that lie and following it would be an eating disordered behavior. So, in the car, on my way home, I decided I am going to get that ice cream. And I did. I am happy I got it and didn't go along with that STUPID ANNOYING BERATING UGLY eating disorder that can still beat me up mentally. If I did what it said now, who knows how much further I would continue to fall into it?
The decision to get ice cream may be a simple one for most of the population, but for someone recovering from anorexia as I am or someone still struggling with the behaviors, it can be a battle. But today I won one more battle against it.
Keep fighting!
I had this craving for pumpkin cheesecake ice cream from Coldstone. When I crave something, I usually go for it. I figure my body wants it for a reason. Now, I don't use this as an excuse to binge, I do this in a healthy way. I have had to get to know myself and my own recovery in order to do this. Anyway, while at work I decided I would get ice cream on the way home. Then started the anorexic, eating disordered voice saying "No, you don't need the ice cream. You've probably gained too much weight recently and your stomach looks a little fat right now, just forget it." Yes, I still hear this "voice", it still comes around sometimes. I've come to equate the ED voice with Satan's lies (but that's another post)...anyway, I got kind of sad. (Think of a kid being called fat or ugly- that's how I was feeling). So I thought, well I'll just accidentally sort of on purpose forget to go and forget that I wanted the ice cream in the first place. Attention, please! THAT is obeying the eating disorder, falling for its temptation, believing its lies, etc. For me, at this point, believing that lie and following it would be an eating disordered behavior. So, in the car, on my way home, I decided I am going to get that ice cream. And I did. I am happy I got it and didn't go along with that STUPID ANNOYING BERATING UGLY eating disorder that can still beat me up mentally. If I did what it said now, who knows how much further I would continue to fall into it?
The decision to get ice cream may be a simple one for most of the population, but for someone recovering from anorexia as I am or someone still struggling with the behaviors, it can be a battle. But today I won one more battle against it.
Keep fighting!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Skinny Jeans---and not the fashionable kind.
I had an interesting experience last night, and want to share it.
I was cleaning my room and went through a bag of clothes. I found some "sick jeans", aka jeans I wore when I was sick with my eating disorder. Internally, I gasped because I was so surprised...surprised that I forgot they were there and hadn't gotten rid of them, but surprised at how small they were. It honestly scared me, the fact that they were so small and I used to swim in them with room to spare. My immediate thought was, "I am SO glad I am not there anymore, I don't ever want to go back to that." Then that thought caused me to step back and think, wow I really have come a long way. When I was sick I would have thought, "I wish I was that thin again, I want to go back there and this is how I'm going to do it." I actually got a little nostalgic in a weird way, not that I miss being sick, but it is a huge change- not being active in the eating disorder, also known as RECOVERY. WOW. I was texting a friend through this time, and her support was great. I threw out the jeans right away, but I checked the pockets before I did, and guess what? I found $10 in them! LOL, I thought that was pretty funny.
Anyway, that's it...
I was cleaning my room and went through a bag of clothes. I found some "sick jeans", aka jeans I wore when I was sick with my eating disorder. Internally, I gasped because I was so surprised...surprised that I forgot they were there and hadn't gotten rid of them, but surprised at how small they were. It honestly scared me, the fact that they were so small and I used to swim in them with room to spare. My immediate thought was, "I am SO glad I am not there anymore, I don't ever want to go back to that." Then that thought caused me to step back and think, wow I really have come a long way. When I was sick I would have thought, "I wish I was that thin again, I want to go back there and this is how I'm going to do it." I actually got a little nostalgic in a weird way, not that I miss being sick, but it is a huge change- not being active in the eating disorder, also known as RECOVERY. WOW. I was texting a friend through this time, and her support was great. I threw out the jeans right away, but I checked the pockets before I did, and guess what? I found $10 in them! LOL, I thought that was pretty funny.
Anyway, that's it...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"Reflecting now on how things could have been..."
So Chris Daughtry has a relatively new song out called "September." There is one line of it that says, "Reflecting now on how things could have been, it was worth it in the end."
That line really sticks out to me, especially in relation to my recovery.
Looking back on my life, I think about how things could have been different without an eating disorder or some of the negative choices that I made while in the midst of it. But I think right now I can honestly say that it was worth it in the end. If I got to go back, and somehow not have an eating disorder, well that would be nice wouldn't it? But it isn't possible, and I am so incredibly grateful for all the things I have learned and the people I have met because of this mountain I've had to climb.
So yes, I can look back now on how things could have been, but I can honestly say it was worth it in the end.
That line really sticks out to me, especially in relation to my recovery.
Looking back on my life, I think about how things could have been different without an eating disorder or some of the negative choices that I made while in the midst of it. But I think right now I can honestly say that it was worth it in the end. If I got to go back, and somehow not have an eating disorder, well that would be nice wouldn't it? But it isn't possible, and I am so incredibly grateful for all the things I have learned and the people I have met because of this mountain I've had to climb.
So yes, I can look back now on how things could have been, but I can honestly say it was worth it in the end.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Body Image After Anorexia- it DOES get better!
Body Image is perhaps one of the toughest battles for a recovering anorexic or bulimic, because weight gain is usually involved. It has been a tough battle for me, but I want to let everyone know that it DOES get better.
It has already started getting better for me! About 2 or 3 weeks ago I walked into a hair salon, and you know the big mirrors that they have? That used to scare me all the time. I looked up into the mirror and automatically thought "I LIKE how my body looks when it is healthy." I kind of stopped in my tracks and just stood there for a second, because I could hardly believe that that thought just went through my mind.
I used to wear baggy clothes because I didn't like how my body looked, whether I was at a healthy weight (which never lasted very long) or not. Now, I actually like buying clothes that FIT, becasue I...(drum roll, please...) LIKE my curves. When I buy clothes now I like to find stuff that looks nice and fits nice and is comfortable. The point is... I am getting comfortable with my healthy body, and feeling confident!
Yesterday I was driving home from Helena and saw some AMAZING skies, beautiful sun and clouds, and then later on a beautiful sunset. I was just amazed at my God's beauty. And then I got to thinking how God created me to be EXACLTY as I am, and HE likes it, and LOVES it, without changes. My skin may not be perfect, my stomach might not be flat, my hips might be curvy, but God calls that beautiful, so I will too.
I stil have those days where I am not thrilled with how I look or feel about myself, but I'm a woman, we all have those days. I am just loving the fact that I am having a few more days where I'm genuinely okay and even liking my healthy self. :)
It has already started getting better for me! About 2 or 3 weeks ago I walked into a hair salon, and you know the big mirrors that they have? That used to scare me all the time. I looked up into the mirror and automatically thought "I LIKE how my body looks when it is healthy." I kind of stopped in my tracks and just stood there for a second, because I could hardly believe that that thought just went through my mind.
I used to wear baggy clothes because I didn't like how my body looked, whether I was at a healthy weight (which never lasted very long) or not. Now, I actually like buying clothes that FIT, becasue I...(drum roll, please...) LIKE my curves. When I buy clothes now I like to find stuff that looks nice and fits nice and is comfortable. The point is... I am getting comfortable with my healthy body, and feeling confident!
Yesterday I was driving home from Helena and saw some AMAZING skies, beautiful sun and clouds, and then later on a beautiful sunset. I was just amazed at my God's beauty. And then I got to thinking how God created me to be EXACLTY as I am, and HE likes it, and LOVES it, without changes. My skin may not be perfect, my stomach might not be flat, my hips might be curvy, but God calls that beautiful, so I will too.
I stil have those days where I am not thrilled with how I look or feel about myself, but I'm a woman, we all have those days. I am just loving the fact that I am having a few more days where I'm genuinely okay and even liking my healthy self. :)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Interview with Jackie Kendall
Hey Everyone,
This is an amazing radio broadcast I wanted to share. Just listen to it.
Click on this link:
http://www.jackiekendall.com/qa.asp
then click on "how do you recover from sexual abuse?"
and listen to the radio broadcast.
That's it.
This is an amazing radio broadcast I wanted to share. Just listen to it.
Click on this link:
http://www.jackiekendall.com/qa.asp
then click on "how do you recover from sexual abuse?"
and listen to the radio broadcast.
That's it.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Letter To Patients...
My therapist asked me to write a letter to patients at Rosewood and upcoming patients, so I wanted to share it...
Dear Rosewood Patients,
Over 3 months ago I entered Rosewood with no hope. I thought this would be one more round of failed treatment. I had a panic attack on the plane, thinking I would be anorexic forever. I have come so far, I am filled with so much hope now. My eating disorder is a part of me, but it is a seperate part of me, it is NOT who I am. I have learned so much in the time I have been at Rosewood, and I am so grateful.
If there is one piece of advice I could give, it is this: TRUST THE PROCESS. They know what they are doing here at Rosewood. There is a purpose behind everything they do here. It is such a painful process, just remember that things can't stay crappy forever. Things WILL get better. No one deserves to have an eating disorder, and you are not the one exception to that rule. So please, be open, honest, and willing.
Don't ever forget THERE IS HOPE, if you think you have none, then you may borrow some of mine. I am literally bubbling over with an abundance of hope!
I have faith in each and every person that walks through these doors.
With LOVE, HOPE, and GRATITUDE,
K
Dear Rosewood Patients,
Over 3 months ago I entered Rosewood with no hope. I thought this would be one more round of failed treatment. I had a panic attack on the plane, thinking I would be anorexic forever. I have come so far, I am filled with so much hope now. My eating disorder is a part of me, but it is a seperate part of me, it is NOT who I am. I have learned so much in the time I have been at Rosewood, and I am so grateful.
If there is one piece of advice I could give, it is this: TRUST THE PROCESS. They know what they are doing here at Rosewood. There is a purpose behind everything they do here. It is such a painful process, just remember that things can't stay crappy forever. Things WILL get better. No one deserves to have an eating disorder, and you are not the one exception to that rule. So please, be open, honest, and willing.
Don't ever forget THERE IS HOPE, if you think you have none, then you may borrow some of mine. I am literally bubbling over with an abundance of hope!
I have faith in each and every person that walks through these doors.
With LOVE, HOPE, and GRATITUDE,
K
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I Never Thought...
It's past midnight and I should be asleep, but I really feel like getting this out there.
I never thought I'd be comfortable with food again. A few months ago when I was heading to treatment for the umpteenth time I had a panic attack on the plane because I was so afraid I would be anorexic or bulimic for the rest of my life. But honestly, where I am now, is SO different than any of my pseudo-recovery attempts. I'm not lying about how I feel about food. When it scares me I say something, when it doesn't I rejoice in that. I also don't feel the need to create the unneccesary drama about food that I used to. I used to just create drama about food when I wasn't even feeling negative about it because I felt like I had to stick to that "eating disorder label." The honesty has helped me alot! Its honestly made such a difference.
I just never thought I'd feel this comfortable and okay around food. I follow a meal plan, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I eat desserts 2-3 times a week.
It still gets challenging sometimes, but for the most part, I am just so grateful that I am this okay around food, and okay with being okay with it!
I never thought I'd be comfortable with food again. A few months ago when I was heading to treatment for the umpteenth time I had a panic attack on the plane because I was so afraid I would be anorexic or bulimic for the rest of my life. But honestly, where I am now, is SO different than any of my pseudo-recovery attempts. I'm not lying about how I feel about food. When it scares me I say something, when it doesn't I rejoice in that. I also don't feel the need to create the unneccesary drama about food that I used to. I used to just create drama about food when I wasn't even feeling negative about it because I felt like I had to stick to that "eating disorder label." The honesty has helped me alot! Its honestly made such a difference.
I just never thought I'd feel this comfortable and okay around food. I follow a meal plan, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I eat desserts 2-3 times a week.
It still gets challenging sometimes, but for the most part, I am just so grateful that I am this okay around food, and okay with being okay with it!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Serving Jesus After Being Healed
Hello Everyone!
This is my first blog, and I am hoping it will last. Facebook notes can only go so far :) This blog is going to be about my recovery from an eating disorder and my faith in Christ. Today I wanted to write about something that I have learned in my quiet times.
I have been reading the book of Mark. I really had the desire to get to know more about Jesus' life. In the very first chapter of Mark, Mark 1:29-31 to be exact, tells the story of Jesus healing a woman. It says, "Simon's mother in law was in bed with a fever, and they told Jesus about her. So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them."
This was amazing to me. After this woman was healed she didn't run off to tell people, she didn't go enjoy not being sick anymore. The very first things he did was wait on Jesus. I feel like that is what I need to be doing. Jesus has healed me from so many things, and I'm still in that healing process. I've realized that because of that I need to be serving Jesus. He healed me, I should be waiting on Him, hand and foot! That is what I want to do with my life.
That's all I have for that. Just something I wanted to share. :) I will write more about me some other time.
This is my first blog, and I am hoping it will last. Facebook notes can only go so far :) This blog is going to be about my recovery from an eating disorder and my faith in Christ. Today I wanted to write about something that I have learned in my quiet times.
I have been reading the book of Mark. I really had the desire to get to know more about Jesus' life. In the very first chapter of Mark, Mark 1:29-31 to be exact, tells the story of Jesus healing a woman. It says, "Simon's mother in law was in bed with a fever, and they told Jesus about her. So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them."
This was amazing to me. After this woman was healed she didn't run off to tell people, she didn't go enjoy not being sick anymore. The very first things he did was wait on Jesus. I feel like that is what I need to be doing. Jesus has healed me from so many things, and I'm still in that healing process. I've realized that because of that I need to be serving Jesus. He healed me, I should be waiting on Him, hand and foot! That is what I want to do with my life.
That's all I have for that. Just something I wanted to share. :) I will write more about me some other time.
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