Questions

This song, "Questions" by So Long September is a song I heard just a few days ago for the first time.  I was kind of aimlessly driving around and listening to their CD (which I had just purchased that day), and I want to share with you all the lyrics and what they mean to me.  The song lyrics are in bold and my thoughts are in parentheses.

"Questions"
Did you walk away from love,into the hands that are not holy?
Did you turn from all you know is true, all for something just for you?
(This is exactly what I did with my eating disorder- I walked away from love, the love of God, family, and friends.  I turned away from everything I knew was true.  In recovery, I’m still finding my way back).
I don't know anymore, these riddles that fill our lives
I thought I knew the answers to the questions,a way to see around the lies
But this motion of rejection,to turn your life in the other direction

Can you justify it all? Does it make sense in your mind?
Did you, did you know, the road's not easy and it can be slow?
But why, why did you go?
(Why DID I go down that road?  I didn’t wake up one day and choose to have an eating disorder, but there were times I deliberately chose it over everything and anything else.  It still doesn’t make sense in my mind.  I don’t know why I went, but at least I came back.)
Can you justify it all? Can you make it all worthwhile?
When it all comes back around, can you look at your life and smile?
(I can’t justify it all.  I can’t make it all worthwhile.  While I was in the ED, I definitely could NOT look at my life and smile.  But I believe that God can.  He can justify it.  He can make it all worthwhile.  If given the chance, I’m not sure I would change what I went through with the eating disorder.  What God has done through it, my ability to reach out to other people THAT makes it worthwhile to me.)

Take a look at all the roads you know, which path is right and which is wrong?
(When I am struggling with something these days, even in recovery I can look at the different options I have…sink in to self-pity, go back to being self-destructive and in the ED)
Can you take the one you know is wrong and convince yourself that it is right?
(Yep, I did this for years…)
All it takes is a little lie, all it takes is a little deception
(SO true)
Does the life you're living now have a purpose and a meaning?
(I’m not sure what it is, but I know my life does have a purpose and meaning.  I have no doubt that part of that has to do with how far I have come, what I have come out of and how that can be used to help other people.)
God can give you everything you ever really needed
(I thought the ED would give me everything I needed.  Love.  Attention.  Meaning.  Someone who cares… ED never delivered on that.  God has, but only if I let Him).
Just turn your life over to him, give it all away, nothing is more rewarding

It will justify it all, it will make it all worthwhile
When it comes back around, you will look at your life and smile

Copyright 2006 Jeret Lockhart

I’m so thankful for where I am today in terms of my recovery.  Yes, it is still a battle, most of the time in my head.  I have been free from the behaviors but I’d be lying if I said it were a walk in the park or easy all the time, but it DOES get easier. Thinking about where I was a year ago, or for the majority of the past 10 years and comparing it to where I am now I am so grateful.    I am so grateful that when it all does come back around  (and believe me, it does) I can look at my life and smile. 

(P.S.  Music is amazing isn't it?  Another thing I'm grateful for is awesome music that plays a part in my recovery)

Simple Words...

I meant to write this post a couple weeks ago, but I am finally getting to it!

I think sometimes people don't know what to say when someone is having a tough time.  You get confused, don't want to say the wrong thing.  Sometimes, the simplest words are all that need to be said.  For example...

I was having a tough time at work about something.  All of a sudden everything just caught up with me- everything from being reminded of some negative experiences in my life to the magnitude of seriously evil social injustices going on in the world.  I got so overcome with emotion that I had to step out to my car and sit there and cry for a good 10 minutes.  Later a co-worker said to me, "Kelli I support you" when we were talking about it.  Those words were also said frequently at Rosewood to express support when someone was having a hard time, or even having a great time!  Support needs to be expressed in hard and good times. 

Sometimes those words are the best things to say, and exactly what needs to be heard.  It was in that situation.  So when someone is going through something tough or a challenging situation and you just aren't sure what to say, say those simple words "I support you."  It will have a much bigger effect on the person than you may realize.

One of Those Days...

...when God's timing is perfect.

So it has been one of those days that I have felt down about myself.  I was just feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not _____ enough (it could have been almost anything).

A friend of mine posted this video on her Facebook for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIDEs0xhcBs&sns=fb

Here are the lyrics in case you don't get to the link:

"Beautiful for Me" by Nichole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna sayWith some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the messBut there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?


I nearly burst into tears because this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear at that exact moment.  Today I was questioning my self worth, I was questioning my beauty.  But, I am okay now.  I might not be as beautiful as some people I tend to compare myself to (despite my best efforts not to) or as I want to be but that doesn't matter.  I have a Father in Heaven (and here on earth) who thinks I am beautiful.  And that is all I need right now.  I don't need a scale to tell me I am beautiful (note, that it never did even at my lowest weight, highest weight, or anything in between), I don't need a guy to tell me I'm beautiful.  My God thinks I am beautiful and I can rest in that.

22 Years Old...

So, today (well, yesterday as of 2 minutes) was my 22nd birthday.  It was an AMAZING day, and I am still reveling the beauty of life, friends, family and happiness.

I woke up at 8ish and layed in bed, got some emails sent, etc.  I went to the mall and got a pedicure and then went and dropped some stuff off.  It was beautiful and sunny outside. 

I was looking forward to Bible Study.  I went to dinner at Mustard Seed to meet Bryan (I live with him and his wife) and Daniel (Bryan's son).  I walk in and see Bryan talking to another friend, I thought oh how nice they ran into eachother.  I walk around the corner to the table and... THERE WAS A BUNCH OF FRIENDS!  I was so surprised!  I honestly had NO IDEA.  I had a lovely dinner with the most amazing friends I could ask for.  What a blessing.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.  THANK YOU to all of you, you all mean more to me than you'll ever know, I mean that!  I'm not just being cliche.  I can honestly say this has been the BEST BIRTHDAY I HAVE EVER HAD.

I really got to thinking lately, I am just so incredibly blessed.  I love my life right now.  College is challenging, but I am so thankful I can go to college.  I love the work I am doing with The United States of Hope.  What an honor.  I love the body of Christians I belong to&my salvation.  I am content with being single right now (although that doesn't mean I'm not open to that changing, hehe :)).  I love my recovery, I love my health, I love my body.  I love friendships, relationships, I love my family.  I love all the things I can do.  I love that I am now among the ranks of the living, not sickness.  I love, that's who I am, what I do, what I always want to do is love.

~Ice Cream~

So anyone that knows me knows that I like ice cream, and right now I just want to reflect on, well, ice cream...

I had this craving for pumpkin cheesecake ice cream from Coldstone.  When I crave something, I usually go for it.  I figure my body wants it for a reason.  Now, I don't use this as an excuse to binge, I do this in a healthy way.  I have had to get to know myself and my own recovery in order to do this.  Anyway, while at work I decided I would get ice cream on the way home.  Then started the anorexic, eating disordered voice saying "No, you don't need the ice cream.  You've probably gained too much weight recently and your stomach looks a little fat right now, just forget it."  Yes, I still hear this "voice", it still comes around sometimes.  I've come to equate the ED voice with Satan's lies (but that's another post)...anyway, I got kind of sad.  (Think of a kid being called fat or ugly- that's how I was feeling).  So I thought, well I'll just accidentally sort of on purpose forget to go and forget that I wanted the ice cream in the first place.  Attention, please! THAT is obeying the eating disorder, falling for its temptation, believing its lies, etc.  For me, at this point, believing that lie and following it would be an eating disordered behavior.  So, in the car, on my way home, I decided I am going to get that ice cream.  And I did.  I am happy I got it and didn't go along with that STUPID ANNOYING BERATING UGLY eating disorder that can still beat me up mentally.  If I did what it said now, who knows how much further I would continue to fall into it? 

The decision to get ice cream may be a simple one for most of the population, but for someone recovering from anorexia as I am or someone still struggling with the behaviors, it can be a battle.  But today I won one more battle against it.

Keep fighting!

Skinny Jeans---and not the fashionable kind.

I had an interesting experience last night, and want to share it.

I was cleaning my room and went through a bag of clothes.  I found some "sick jeans", aka jeans I wore when I was sick with my eating disorder.  Internally, I gasped because I was so surprised...surprised that I forgot they were there and hadn't gotten rid of them, but surprised at how small they were.  It honestly scared me, the fact that they were so small and I used to swim in them with room to spare.  My immediate thought was, "I am SO glad I am not there anymore, I don't ever want to go back to that."  Then that thought caused me to step back and think, wow I really have come a long way.  When I was sick I would have thought, "I wish I was that thin again, I want to go back there and this is how I'm going to do it."  I actually got a little nostalgic in a weird way, not that I miss being sick, but it is a huge change- not being active in the eating disorder, also known as RECOVERY.  WOW.  I was texting a friend through this time, and her support was great.  I threw out the jeans right away, but I checked the pockets before I did, and guess what?  I found $10 in them! LOL, I thought that was pretty funny. 

Anyway, that's it...

"Reflecting now on how things could have been..."

So Chris Daughtry has a relatively new song out called "September."  There is one line of it that says, "Reflecting now on how things could have been, it was worth it in the end."
That line really sticks out to me, especially in relation to my recovery. 

Looking back on my life, I think about how things could have been different without an eating disorder or some of the negative choices that I made while in the midst of it.  But I think right now I can honestly say that it was worth it in the end.  If I got to go back, and somehow not have an eating disorder, well that would be nice wouldn't it?  But it isn't possible, and I am so incredibly grateful for all the things I have learned and the people I have met because of this mountain I've had to climb. 

So yes, I can look back now on how things could have been, but I can honestly say it was worth it in the end.