Questions

This song, "Questions" by So Long September is a song I heard just a few days ago for the first time.  I was kind of aimlessly driving around and listening to their CD (which I had just purchased that day), and I want to share with you all the lyrics and what they mean to me.  The song lyrics are in bold and my thoughts are in parentheses.

"Questions"
Did you walk away from love,into the hands that are not holy?
Did you turn from all you know is true, all for something just for you?
(This is exactly what I did with my eating disorder- I walked away from love, the love of God, family, and friends.  I turned away from everything I knew was true.  In recovery, I’m still finding my way back).
I don't know anymore, these riddles that fill our lives
I thought I knew the answers to the questions,a way to see around the lies
But this motion of rejection,to turn your life in the other direction

Can you justify it all? Does it make sense in your mind?
Did you, did you know, the road's not easy and it can be slow?
But why, why did you go?
(Why DID I go down that road?  I didn’t wake up one day and choose to have an eating disorder, but there were times I deliberately chose it over everything and anything else.  It still doesn’t make sense in my mind.  I don’t know why I went, but at least I came back.)
Can you justify it all? Can you make it all worthwhile?
When it all comes back around, can you look at your life and smile?
(I can’t justify it all.  I can’t make it all worthwhile.  While I was in the ED, I definitely could NOT look at my life and smile.  But I believe that God can.  He can justify it.  He can make it all worthwhile.  If given the chance, I’m not sure I would change what I went through with the eating disorder.  What God has done through it, my ability to reach out to other people THAT makes it worthwhile to me.)

Take a look at all the roads you know, which path is right and which is wrong?
(When I am struggling with something these days, even in recovery I can look at the different options I have…sink in to self-pity, go back to being self-destructive and in the ED)
Can you take the one you know is wrong and convince yourself that it is right?
(Yep, I did this for years…)
All it takes is a little lie, all it takes is a little deception
(SO true)
Does the life you're living now have a purpose and a meaning?
(I’m not sure what it is, but I know my life does have a purpose and meaning.  I have no doubt that part of that has to do with how far I have come, what I have come out of and how that can be used to help other people.)
God can give you everything you ever really needed
(I thought the ED would give me everything I needed.  Love.  Attention.  Meaning.  Someone who cares… ED never delivered on that.  God has, but only if I let Him).
Just turn your life over to him, give it all away, nothing is more rewarding

It will justify it all, it will make it all worthwhile
When it comes back around, you will look at your life and smile

Copyright 2006 Jeret Lockhart

I’m so thankful for where I am today in terms of my recovery.  Yes, it is still a battle, most of the time in my head.  I have been free from the behaviors but I’d be lying if I said it were a walk in the park or easy all the time, but it DOES get easier. Thinking about where I was a year ago, or for the majority of the past 10 years and comparing it to where I am now I am so grateful.    I am so grateful that when it all does come back around  (and believe me, it does) I can look at my life and smile. 

(P.S.  Music is amazing isn't it?  Another thing I'm grateful for is awesome music that plays a part in my recovery)

Simple Words...

I meant to write this post a couple weeks ago, but I am finally getting to it!

I think sometimes people don't know what to say when someone is having a tough time.  You get confused, don't want to say the wrong thing.  Sometimes, the simplest words are all that need to be said.  For example...

I was having a tough time at work about something.  All of a sudden everything just caught up with me- everything from being reminded of some negative experiences in my life to the magnitude of seriously evil social injustices going on in the world.  I got so overcome with emotion that I had to step out to my car and sit there and cry for a good 10 minutes.  Later a co-worker said to me, "Kelli I support you" when we were talking about it.  Those words were also said frequently at Rosewood to express support when someone was having a hard time, or even having a great time!  Support needs to be expressed in hard and good times. 

Sometimes those words are the best things to say, and exactly what needs to be heard.  It was in that situation.  So when someone is going through something tough or a challenging situation and you just aren't sure what to say, say those simple words "I support you."  It will have a much bigger effect on the person than you may realize.

One of Those Days...

...when God's timing is perfect.

So it has been one of those days that I have felt down about myself.  I was just feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not _____ enough (it could have been almost anything).

A friend of mine posted this video on her Facebook for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIDEs0xhcBs&sns=fb

Here are the lyrics in case you don't get to the link:

"Beautiful for Me" by Nichole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna sayWith some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the messBut there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say
Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?


I nearly burst into tears because this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear at that exact moment.  Today I was questioning my self worth, I was questioning my beauty.  But, I am okay now.  I might not be as beautiful as some people I tend to compare myself to (despite my best efforts not to) or as I want to be but that doesn't matter.  I have a Father in Heaven (and here on earth) who thinks I am beautiful.  And that is all I need right now.  I don't need a scale to tell me I am beautiful (note, that it never did even at my lowest weight, highest weight, or anything in between), I don't need a guy to tell me I'm beautiful.  My God thinks I am beautiful and I can rest in that.