Questions

This song, "Questions" by So Long September is a song I heard just a few days ago for the first time.  I was kind of aimlessly driving around and listening to their CD (which I had just purchased that day), and I want to share with you all the lyrics and what they mean to me.  The song lyrics are in bold and my thoughts are in parentheses.

"Questions"
Did you walk away from love,into the hands that are not holy?
Did you turn from all you know is true, all for something just for you?
(This is exactly what I did with my eating disorder- I walked away from love, the love of God, family, and friends.  I turned away from everything I knew was true.  In recovery, I’m still finding my way back).
I don't know anymore, these riddles that fill our lives
I thought I knew the answers to the questions,a way to see around the lies
But this motion of rejection,to turn your life in the other direction

Can you justify it all? Does it make sense in your mind?
Did you, did you know, the road's not easy and it can be slow?
But why, why did you go?
(Why DID I go down that road?  I didn’t wake up one day and choose to have an eating disorder, but there were times I deliberately chose it over everything and anything else.  It still doesn’t make sense in my mind.  I don’t know why I went, but at least I came back.)
Can you justify it all? Can you make it all worthwhile?
When it all comes back around, can you look at your life and smile?
(I can’t justify it all.  I can’t make it all worthwhile.  While I was in the ED, I definitely could NOT look at my life and smile.  But I believe that God can.  He can justify it.  He can make it all worthwhile.  If given the chance, I’m not sure I would change what I went through with the eating disorder.  What God has done through it, my ability to reach out to other people THAT makes it worthwhile to me.)

Take a look at all the roads you know, which path is right and which is wrong?
(When I am struggling with something these days, even in recovery I can look at the different options I have…sink in to self-pity, go back to being self-destructive and in the ED)
Can you take the one you know is wrong and convince yourself that it is right?
(Yep, I did this for years…)
All it takes is a little lie, all it takes is a little deception
(SO true)
Does the life you're living now have a purpose and a meaning?
(I’m not sure what it is, but I know my life does have a purpose and meaning.  I have no doubt that part of that has to do with how far I have come, what I have come out of and how that can be used to help other people.)
God can give you everything you ever really needed
(I thought the ED would give me everything I needed.  Love.  Attention.  Meaning.  Someone who cares… ED never delivered on that.  God has, but only if I let Him).
Just turn your life over to him, give it all away, nothing is more rewarding

It will justify it all, it will make it all worthwhile
When it comes back around, you will look at your life and smile

Copyright 2006 Jeret Lockhart

I’m so thankful for where I am today in terms of my recovery.  Yes, it is still a battle, most of the time in my head.  I have been free from the behaviors but I’d be lying if I said it were a walk in the park or easy all the time, but it DOES get easier. Thinking about where I was a year ago, or for the majority of the past 10 years and comparing it to where I am now I am so grateful.    I am so grateful that when it all does come back around  (and believe me, it does) I can look at my life and smile. 

(P.S.  Music is amazing isn't it?  Another thing I'm grateful for is awesome music that plays a part in my recovery)

22 Years Old...

So, today (well, yesterday as of 2 minutes) was my 22nd birthday.  It was an AMAZING day, and I am still reveling the beauty of life, friends, family and happiness.

I woke up at 8ish and layed in bed, got some emails sent, etc.  I went to the mall and got a pedicure and then went and dropped some stuff off.  It was beautiful and sunny outside. 

I was looking forward to Bible Study.  I went to dinner at Mustard Seed to meet Bryan (I live with him and his wife) and Daniel (Bryan's son).  I walk in and see Bryan talking to another friend, I thought oh how nice they ran into eachother.  I walk around the corner to the table and... THERE WAS A BUNCH OF FRIENDS!  I was so surprised!  I honestly had NO IDEA.  I had a lovely dinner with the most amazing friends I could ask for.  What a blessing.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.  THANK YOU to all of you, you all mean more to me than you'll ever know, I mean that!  I'm not just being cliche.  I can honestly say this has been the BEST BIRTHDAY I HAVE EVER HAD.

I really got to thinking lately, I am just so incredibly blessed.  I love my life right now.  College is challenging, but I am so thankful I can go to college.  I love the work I am doing with The United States of Hope.  What an honor.  I love the body of Christians I belong to&my salvation.  I am content with being single right now (although that doesn't mean I'm not open to that changing, hehe :)).  I love my recovery, I love my health, I love my body.  I love friendships, relationships, I love my family.  I love all the things I can do.  I love that I am now among the ranks of the living, not sickness.  I love, that's who I am, what I do, what I always want to do is love.

Body Image After Anorexia- it DOES get better!

Body Image is perhaps one of the toughest battles for a recovering anorexic or bulimic, because weight gain is usually involved.  It has been a tough battle for me, but I want to let everyone know that it DOES get better. 

It has already started getting better for me!  About 2 or 3 weeks ago I walked into a hair salon, and you know the big mirrors that they have?  That used to scare me all the time.  I looked up into the mirror and automatically thought "I LIKE how my body looks when it is healthy."  I kind of stopped in my tracks and just stood there for a second, because I could hardly believe that that thought just went through my mind. 

I used to wear baggy clothes because I didn't like how my body looked, whether I was at a healthy weight (which never lasted very long) or not.  Now, I actually like buying clothes that FIT, becasue I...(drum roll, please...) LIKE my curves.  When I buy clothes now I like to find stuff that looks nice and fits nice and is comfortable.  The point is... I am getting comfortable with my healthy body, and feeling confident!

Yesterday I was driving home from Helena and saw some AMAZING skies, beautiful sun and clouds, and then later on a beautiful sunset.  I was just amazed at my God's beauty.  And then I got to thinking how God created me to be EXACLTY as I am, and HE likes it, and LOVES it, without changes.  My skin may not be perfect, my stomach might not be flat, my hips might be curvy, but God calls that beautiful, so I will too.

I stil have those days where I am not thrilled with how I look or feel about myself, but I'm a woman, we all have those days.  I am just loving the fact that I am having a few more days where I'm genuinely okay and even liking my healthy self. :)