So Chris Daughtry has a relatively new song out called "September." There is one line of it that says, "Reflecting now on how things could have been, it was worth it in the end."
That line really sticks out to me, especially in relation to my recovery.
Looking back on my life, I think about how things could have been different without an eating disorder or some of the negative choices that I made while in the midst of it. But I think right now I can honestly say that it was worth it in the end. If I got to go back, and somehow not have an eating disorder, well that would be nice wouldn't it? But it isn't possible, and I am so incredibly grateful for all the things I have learned and the people I have met because of this mountain I've had to climb.
So yes, I can look back now on how things could have been, but I can honestly say it was worth it in the end.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Body Image After Anorexia- it DOES get better!
Body Image is perhaps one of the toughest battles for a recovering anorexic or bulimic, because weight gain is usually involved. It has been a tough battle for me, but I want to let everyone know that it DOES get better.
It has already started getting better for me! About 2 or 3 weeks ago I walked into a hair salon, and you know the big mirrors that they have? That used to scare me all the time. I looked up into the mirror and automatically thought "I LIKE how my body looks when it is healthy." I kind of stopped in my tracks and just stood there for a second, because I could hardly believe that that thought just went through my mind.
I used to wear baggy clothes because I didn't like how my body looked, whether I was at a healthy weight (which never lasted very long) or not. Now, I actually like buying clothes that FIT, becasue I...(drum roll, please...) LIKE my curves. When I buy clothes now I like to find stuff that looks nice and fits nice and is comfortable. The point is... I am getting comfortable with my healthy body, and feeling confident!
Yesterday I was driving home from Helena and saw some AMAZING skies, beautiful sun and clouds, and then later on a beautiful sunset. I was just amazed at my God's beauty. And then I got to thinking how God created me to be EXACLTY as I am, and HE likes it, and LOVES it, without changes. My skin may not be perfect, my stomach might not be flat, my hips might be curvy, but God calls that beautiful, so I will too.
I stil have those days where I am not thrilled with how I look or feel about myself, but I'm a woman, we all have those days. I am just loving the fact that I am having a few more days where I'm genuinely okay and even liking my healthy self. :)
It has already started getting better for me! About 2 or 3 weeks ago I walked into a hair salon, and you know the big mirrors that they have? That used to scare me all the time. I looked up into the mirror and automatically thought "I LIKE how my body looks when it is healthy." I kind of stopped in my tracks and just stood there for a second, because I could hardly believe that that thought just went through my mind.
I used to wear baggy clothes because I didn't like how my body looked, whether I was at a healthy weight (which never lasted very long) or not. Now, I actually like buying clothes that FIT, becasue I...(drum roll, please...) LIKE my curves. When I buy clothes now I like to find stuff that looks nice and fits nice and is comfortable. The point is... I am getting comfortable with my healthy body, and feeling confident!
Yesterday I was driving home from Helena and saw some AMAZING skies, beautiful sun and clouds, and then later on a beautiful sunset. I was just amazed at my God's beauty. And then I got to thinking how God created me to be EXACLTY as I am, and HE likes it, and LOVES it, without changes. My skin may not be perfect, my stomach might not be flat, my hips might be curvy, but God calls that beautiful, so I will too.
I stil have those days where I am not thrilled with how I look or feel about myself, but I'm a woman, we all have those days. I am just loving the fact that I am having a few more days where I'm genuinely okay and even liking my healthy self. :)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Interview with Jackie Kendall
Hey Everyone,
This is an amazing radio broadcast I wanted to share. Just listen to it.
Click on this link:
http://www.jackiekendall.com/qa.asp
then click on "how do you recover from sexual abuse?"
and listen to the radio broadcast.
That's it.
This is an amazing radio broadcast I wanted to share. Just listen to it.
Click on this link:
http://www.jackiekendall.com/qa.asp
then click on "how do you recover from sexual abuse?"
and listen to the radio broadcast.
That's it.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Letter To Patients...
My therapist asked me to write a letter to patients at Rosewood and upcoming patients, so I wanted to share it...
Dear Rosewood Patients,
Over 3 months ago I entered Rosewood with no hope. I thought this would be one more round of failed treatment. I had a panic attack on the plane, thinking I would be anorexic forever. I have come so far, I am filled with so much hope now. My eating disorder is a part of me, but it is a seperate part of me, it is NOT who I am. I have learned so much in the time I have been at Rosewood, and I am so grateful.
If there is one piece of advice I could give, it is this: TRUST THE PROCESS. They know what they are doing here at Rosewood. There is a purpose behind everything they do here. It is such a painful process, just remember that things can't stay crappy forever. Things WILL get better. No one deserves to have an eating disorder, and you are not the one exception to that rule. So please, be open, honest, and willing.
Don't ever forget THERE IS HOPE, if you think you have none, then you may borrow some of mine. I am literally bubbling over with an abundance of hope!
I have faith in each and every person that walks through these doors.
With LOVE, HOPE, and GRATITUDE,
K
Dear Rosewood Patients,
Over 3 months ago I entered Rosewood with no hope. I thought this would be one more round of failed treatment. I had a panic attack on the plane, thinking I would be anorexic forever. I have come so far, I am filled with so much hope now. My eating disorder is a part of me, but it is a seperate part of me, it is NOT who I am. I have learned so much in the time I have been at Rosewood, and I am so grateful.
If there is one piece of advice I could give, it is this: TRUST THE PROCESS. They know what they are doing here at Rosewood. There is a purpose behind everything they do here. It is such a painful process, just remember that things can't stay crappy forever. Things WILL get better. No one deserves to have an eating disorder, and you are not the one exception to that rule. So please, be open, honest, and willing.
Don't ever forget THERE IS HOPE, if you think you have none, then you may borrow some of mine. I am literally bubbling over with an abundance of hope!
I have faith in each and every person that walks through these doors.
With LOVE, HOPE, and GRATITUDE,
K
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I Never Thought...
It's past midnight and I should be asleep, but I really feel like getting this out there.
I never thought I'd be comfortable with food again. A few months ago when I was heading to treatment for the umpteenth time I had a panic attack on the plane because I was so afraid I would be anorexic or bulimic for the rest of my life. But honestly, where I am now, is SO different than any of my pseudo-recovery attempts. I'm not lying about how I feel about food. When it scares me I say something, when it doesn't I rejoice in that. I also don't feel the need to create the unneccesary drama about food that I used to. I used to just create drama about food when I wasn't even feeling negative about it because I felt like I had to stick to that "eating disorder label." The honesty has helped me alot! Its honestly made such a difference.
I just never thought I'd feel this comfortable and okay around food. I follow a meal plan, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I eat desserts 2-3 times a week.
It still gets challenging sometimes, but for the most part, I am just so grateful that I am this okay around food, and okay with being okay with it!
I never thought I'd be comfortable with food again. A few months ago when I was heading to treatment for the umpteenth time I had a panic attack on the plane because I was so afraid I would be anorexic or bulimic for the rest of my life. But honestly, where I am now, is SO different than any of my pseudo-recovery attempts. I'm not lying about how I feel about food. When it scares me I say something, when it doesn't I rejoice in that. I also don't feel the need to create the unneccesary drama about food that I used to. I used to just create drama about food when I wasn't even feeling negative about it because I felt like I had to stick to that "eating disorder label." The honesty has helped me alot! Its honestly made such a difference.
I just never thought I'd feel this comfortable and okay around food. I follow a meal plan, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I eat desserts 2-3 times a week.
It still gets challenging sometimes, but for the most part, I am just so grateful that I am this okay around food, and okay with being okay with it!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Serving Jesus After Being Healed
Hello Everyone!
This is my first blog, and I am hoping it will last. Facebook notes can only go so far :) This blog is going to be about my recovery from an eating disorder and my faith in Christ. Today I wanted to write about something that I have learned in my quiet times.
I have been reading the book of Mark. I really had the desire to get to know more about Jesus' life. In the very first chapter of Mark, Mark 1:29-31 to be exact, tells the story of Jesus healing a woman. It says, "Simon's mother in law was in bed with a fever, and they told Jesus about her. So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them."
This was amazing to me. After this woman was healed she didn't run off to tell people, she didn't go enjoy not being sick anymore. The very first things he did was wait on Jesus. I feel like that is what I need to be doing. Jesus has healed me from so many things, and I'm still in that healing process. I've realized that because of that I need to be serving Jesus. He healed me, I should be waiting on Him, hand and foot! That is what I want to do with my life.
That's all I have for that. Just something I wanted to share. :) I will write more about me some other time.
This is my first blog, and I am hoping it will last. Facebook notes can only go so far :) This blog is going to be about my recovery from an eating disorder and my faith in Christ. Today I wanted to write about something that I have learned in my quiet times.
I have been reading the book of Mark. I really had the desire to get to know more about Jesus' life. In the very first chapter of Mark, Mark 1:29-31 to be exact, tells the story of Jesus healing a woman. It says, "Simon's mother in law was in bed with a fever, and they told Jesus about her. So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them."
This was amazing to me. After this woman was healed she didn't run off to tell people, she didn't go enjoy not being sick anymore. The very first things he did was wait on Jesus. I feel like that is what I need to be doing. Jesus has healed me from so many things, and I'm still in that healing process. I've realized that because of that I need to be serving Jesus. He healed me, I should be waiting on Him, hand and foot! That is what I want to do with my life.
That's all I have for that. Just something I wanted to share. :) I will write more about me some other time.
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